A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
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I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirty joke."
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"
Me: "John"
Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have."
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: "I don't know? A lot?"
Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy."
What fur do we get from a tiger?
As fur as possible!
Q: Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
A: To keep its nuts dry
A man enters a pet shop. He wants to buy live mice to feed his python. The man saw the cage with a parrot and begins to examine it. In this moment the parrot said,
"Your fly is undone."
The man blushed. He looked around if anyone sees him and closed his zipper. The parrot said again,
"Your pants have a slit back."
The man blushed still more and tried to cover his ass with a hand.
"Your shoelaces are untied", the parrot does not cease.
The man bent down to tie his shoelaces.
"Farted! ... You little fart", the parrot yelled.
The man died of shame and fled from the store. At this point the mice called from their cage and said,
"Coco, thanks you! You saved our lives again. You know, we'll make it up to you."
What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired?
It got toad!!
What did the mooron say when he saw the milk cartons in the grass?
"Hey! Look at the cow's nest!"
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Vote:
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase.
The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo.
I just gotta see this."