What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth.
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Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I decided to give up,
I wish I'd never put it on now.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Man to a woman: "Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?"
Woman: "No."
Man: "Lets have lunch sometime…"
Mum: "How would you describe me?"
Dad: "ABCDEFGHIJK"
Mum: "What does that mean?"
Dad: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, funny, graceful, helpful, intelligent."
Mum: "What about JK?"
Dad: "Just Kidding."
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Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
A man, a woman, and a great survivor are trapped on an island.
The survivor finds a bunch of coconuts.
The man thinks to himself, "What if there are other people on the island? Then we won't be stranded!"
He throws coconuts at nearby ships, and the island was populated.
Everybody looks at him cross.
Then they kick him off the island.
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Sydney, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details on this job?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Perth - other side of the country."
The man says "Oh is that where the job is?"
The clerk says "No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."
How is a man like a snowstorm?
You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot."
The husband responds, "Who is he?"
The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage."
"Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.