Two eggs boiling in a pan.
One says, "I've got a huge crack."
The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."
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Q: Why shouldn't girls wear skirts in winter?
A: Because their lips will get chapped!
What did O say to Q
Dude your dicks hanging out
Q. Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A. Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?"
"Bread"
"Yes"
"Hamburger"
"Ok"
A five years girl answered "Light",
"Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?"
"Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
Babe when I die I want you to cremate me, pour my ashes into a bowl of chili, and eat me just so I can tear that ass up one more time!
What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
You come in one and you go in the other!
A famous American golfer is invited to go to China for a golfing tournament.
From the second he gets there, he is treated like a king.
He is given five-star treatment in a five-star hotel until the day of the tournament.
The night before the tournament, he is sitting in his hotel room watching TV.
A hot Asian girl walks up to his room and he says, "Wow. They must really love me here."
He begins to have sex with her the whole night.
She continues to scream, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!," but he ignores it.
At the tournament, the American golfer gets a hole-in-one and gets really excited.
He starts yelling, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!"
One of the Chinese golfers says, "What do you mean 'WRONG HOLE'?"
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh.
If you put your ear up to it... you can smell the ocean.