Joke #4885

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Q: Why did cow cross road? A: To find to the udder side.

How do you stop an Iraqi tank? "Just shoot the guy that's pushing it!"

Chuck Norris has travelled many places and seen many faces. So too has his boot.

Did you hear about the black guy that died on the highway? He stuck his head out the window and his lips beat him to death.

Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?" St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A pedophile.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb? As many as it takes to climb on top of them in order to reach the socket.

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her but he can't. Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help. So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, "Don't worry. I got him with the door!"

What's the difference between a dead baby and a table? You can't fuck a table.

I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.