Joke #2606

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, “Didn’t you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?” The farmer replied, “No, I didn’t knowed that.” The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, “To Memphis”. The cop said, “I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis.” So the farmer promised he would.Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said “I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis”. And to this the farmer replied “I did and we had so much fun, I’m taking him to the circus.”

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park…and couldn’t find his way home. ” Oy Morris “, said grandma, ” You’ve been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? ” Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear. Morris whispered, ” I wasn’t lost…..I was just too tired to walk home.”

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison? A small medium at large.

A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two Prostitutes – $50.00." A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail. Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves." "How come you don’t stop them?" asked one of the girls. "Well, that’s a little different," the officer replied… "their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter – $50.00."

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle. Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?" Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on." At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful." Blonde: "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. " Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?" "Only when he"s been drinking, officer."

How does the LAPD play poker? Four clubs beat a king.

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! What did you do with them?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"