What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
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A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it.
The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat.
He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
What do you call Satan and a lawyer?
Twins!
"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness.
"Is anything the matter?"
"Well, your Honour," said the witness,
"I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
A little old lady went to the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet" "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.
The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."
The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married.
Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.
“So what did you think?” he asks.
“Ahh,” replies the first lawyer, “my wife is better.”
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary.
“So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?”
The second guy replies, “You were right.”
Q: What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
He was a very keen lawyer, he even named his daughter ‘Sue’.