Jesus said to John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."
He came fifth and received a toaster.
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An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator.
Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart.
Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.
A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.
"Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
How did Nicki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas?
Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.
The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.
Vote:
What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!
On a beach a man shouts at another man:
Tell your son not to imitate me.
A man to his son:
Son, stop playing the fool.
An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Yo mama so stupid someone said Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
Q: Why do Mexicans have tamales for Christmas?
A: So they'll have something to unwrap.