A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
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On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
Q: What does it mean if you were born in September?
A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!
Q: What's the forecast for New Year's Eve?
A: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
A: I haven't seen you for a year!
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Q: What do New Year's Parades have in common with Santa Claus?
A: No one is awake to see either of them.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to change the past.
He has never made any mistakes.
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If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
I've been trying to find the right time to tell my pet hes adopted...
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man."
And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"