A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
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Chuck Norris doesn't sleep with a teddy bear.
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He sees cats in a cage dogs on another cage spiders, rabbits, frogs, birds, fish in aquariums and finally he sees a very colorful parrot in the corner of the store and he goes to the area where the parrot was and salesman asks him, "Are you interested in this parrot?"
The man says, "Does he talk?" the salesman says, "If you pull his left leg he will say the our father and if you pull his right leg, he will say the hailmary!"
The man says, "What will the parrot say if I pull both legs at the same time?"
The parrot says, "I'll fall on my ass stupid!"
Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing not more than fifty feet from them.
The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes. Then, as the bear slowly approached them, he furiously attempted to lace them up.
The second man, somewhat confused, looked at the first man and said, "Whaddya doing? Running shoes ain’t gonna help! You can't outrun that there bear!"
"I don't need to outrun the bear, buddy," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."
Two cows were talking.One cow asked the other"
I wonder what hamburgers are made of?"
The other cow replied "YOUR MOM!
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.
He says, “What the hell is that all about?”
The farmer says, “We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.”
What do you call a dinosaur drinking Tequila?
Tyrannosaurus Mex.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A Hot Cross bunny.